I used to get a paycheck deposited into my bank account every two weeks. I knew its exact amount to the penny and I was able to budget accordingly. It took a long time to find that job, but I was employed while searching for a new job, so I never went a week without a paycheck. I think I thanked God in the moment of accepting the new job, but then I just expected the paycheck. And I was probably bitter because I wanted to be making more. And then I moved to Los Angeles without a new job lined up. I had some ideas of the direction that I was going to go, but when I finally tried those things, they were less than ideal. Meanwhile, Be A Heart blossomed in a way that I couldn't even imagine.
Here I am, having lived 13 months after quitting my steady, salaried position, fully on living off of freelance projects, teaching classes and selling products. A new month starts tomorrow. I used to panic at this thought--I have no idea where the money will come from. I never know, but somehow, it always comes. And I have an entirely new attitude of gratitude that removes any sense of fear that I used to have.
I have a keen sense that I am being provided for on a level that I cannot see. When I get an inquiry, I thank God for the possibility of more work. When I send an invoice for completed work, I thank God for the work. When the check arrives in the mail, I thank God for taking care of me. When I deposit the check and balance my account, I thank God for knowing what I need. I never take it for granted.
Sometimes the fear will arise--how will I make enough to cover expenses this month? Didn't we just pay rent?! In those moments, I turn to prayer. God, I need some more work. My spiritual director reminds me that God is my boss. I may own my own business, but when I need more work, I just need to ask because I am not in charge.
For some reason, it still surprises me every time. Last week, I was thinking about how it was coming up to the end of the month and I would have liked to make a bit more. I turned my concern into prayer and in the middle of painting, I just talked to God about it. Within five minutes (no joke) I had an email inquiring a project that had a one day turn around time and would pay very well. My eyes tear even thinking about that. It's not the first time and it won't be the last. How am I so loved and cared for?
A couple weeks prior, with my previous thought of not having enough, I got on my knees and prayed. Within the hour, I got four inquiries and purchases. Four.
I've hesitated sharing about this because I do not believe that God is like Santa Claus--if I am good and put it on my list, then I'll get it. It doesn't work like that (if it did, I surely wouldn't be single). I also had this strange sense that if I shared about it, my luck would vanish--like sharing about a birthday wish. But again, it doesn't work like that and it is not luck.
I am not the only one to be cared for. We are all cared for. He knows our needs and he provides what is good.
When I can deeply believe that I do not have to be in control at all times, when I can let go of the reigns and realize there is something so much larger working in my life, the anxiety and fear lift, they drift into the abyss of the waves of the ocean water. This frees my heart, opens my heart for light to shine through. He occupies the light. And in that, I am doing God's will.
I am so grateful to all of you who have entrusted your projects, your weddings, your businesses to me. We are all in this together.