My roommate is out of town for the weekend and after meeting a gigantic deadline last night, I decided to step away from work tonight even though I didn't have anywhere to go. "What is there even to do if I don't work," I thought. I am guilty of watching (really listening) to a lot of tv shows while I work so when I'm not working, it's one of my least favorite activities.
I decided to sit down for some journaling and "inner work." So here I was sitting in the silence of my living room that I love. The question I needed to answer, "in what areas specifically do you need to be restored to sanity?" My first thought was "I need to know that I am valuable." Then I wrote, "To know that I have something to offer."
I looked over those two lines. Do I believe that I have to be doing something to have a place in this world, to be lovable? Oh my 2-ness! (Quick overview of the Enneagram. Take the test, read about them, find where you fit and help decipher a lot of your own old belief system about yourself). I am a 2 as I've shared about before - "Core desire: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves" as stated on the Enneagram Institute
Okay - all I'm saying is that this might be my own personal problem due to my tendency to feel like I need to prove my worth by doing things. Continue reading, maybe I'm not the only one.
I love to make lists. I have journals of lists. I have many lists about all my defects, all the things that are wrong with me and that I need to change. I have many lists about this future partner of mine. Those are my two favorite lists to make (along with lists of my work goals).
I started making a list of my good qualities. Not like, "makes coffee in the morning," but like "kind and affectionate." I made a really long list.
It dawned on me mid list that I had never in all my life made a list of good things about myself. Not in a cocky, self-centered way but in a way that affirmed me that I'm actually okay just as I am. Have you ever done it? Made a list about all the things that you are? I think I am so much more comfortable looking at bad things about myself. Sometimes I wonder if this stems from making a lot of lists of my sins for confession. I could give you a long list of my faults in a heart beat. But to make a list of good things - that was much harder.
I have so much to offer in terms of who I am and not in what I do. Ha! I just laughed out loud - isn't that my core belief in Be A Heart. This concept of BE rather than DO.
I somehow needed to prove myself. As no surprise to anyone (because I write all about it on Verily) I have a hard time in romantic relationships. I have a hard time a) finding people to date and b) staying in the relationship.
I wonder if it's because I only ever make lists of his good qualities and my bad qualities. I even wrote an article a couple of years ago about how being single was okay and I am fine on my own. The truth is, I am fine on my own. I have a very full life and lots of loving people around me. I talked about how I go to yoga, take art classes, throw dinner parties. So that means I don't really need a man.
But I think I missed the mark. It's never been about what I do or don't do, it's really about these things that are uniquely me that I have to offer. And then when I'm in a relationship, I won't be left feeling absolutely inadequate, self-doubting, self conscious, etc.
All of this rambling (has any of it made sense) to say if you've never made a list of all of your qualities you must RUN and write it. So far I have a list of 20 things. And I've got to say... if I didn't know I made this list, I'd say it seems like a woman someone should really snatch up. JK JK... sort of.
I am enough. You are enough.