Fear of Growing.
On multiple occasions people have asked me about my business plan and how I wanted Be A Heart to grow. “Oh, my business plan is to keep my business pretty small and manageable so that in five years I can continue to run it and raise my future children,” I would say.
The one dream that has been steadfast since I was a little girl is that I want to have a family so I would never want my business to get in the way of that. I told someone that too many women in this feminist movement are concerned with their careers and then they have these big jobs, have kids and have to pay a babysitter to care for those kids. I didn’t want that.
But the other day while sitting in contemplation/meditation/prayer, I got past the broken record of thoughts that swirl in my brain and dug deep down and got really honest with myself. (I loved what Richard Rohr wrote this morning in his email: “Contemplation is not first of all consoling, which is why so many give up. Yes, the truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”)
What if all this time I’ve really just been afraid. I’ve been using my dream of being a mother as an excuse. What if I’ve been afraid to dream big because I’m afraid of failing. If I don’t set out to grow a successful, fulfilling business, then I won’t be disappointed if all I have is my tiny, just enough business.
You see, right now I am so taken care of. I cannot complain with the place Be A Heart is at right now. It is just enough for what I need. But I have lived with this story of myself since I was a little girl that I would meet a (handsome) man and he would save me in a way – especially financially. I imagined myself at home doing all the mundane, repetitive things of motherhood and occasionally having a creative outlet to paint wedding invitations for Be A Heart.
In the end though, in my current reality, there are no children to care for, there is no husband to pay my bills. And I am limiting myself so much by waiting for that. If I am waiting for this life that doesn’t currently exist, then I am left feeling unsatisfied and ultimately really sad.
What if I left the future for the future? What if I did what was in front of me today without worrying about my future mommy self having to drop her kids at daycare. I mean really! That is such a creative worry that I came up with to limit myself today.
I wonder will happen when I dream bigger. I will probably crawl out of darkness of the depression that washed over me after this last break up. I will inch forward without the fear of failure. And maybe some things will fail and that is totally okay! If one thing doesn’t work, I can try another thing. And I’ll let God work and show me a new way of living that doesn’t revolve around the idea that I’ll only be successful if someone wants to marry me.
So action steps. Because yes, it’s great to have these moments of clarity in prayer, but they really must lead to action.
1) Make a business plan with really big dreams
2) Learn new skills – I’m taking textile design courses
3) List ten things I’m grateful for every day because a grateful heart is a joyful heart
What new perspective do you need in your life? What action steps are you taking? Jenna is trying to be more present to her family and has some great steps here!
(Photograph by Shanley Kellis for Splash)
